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姐姐寫的序

動念

我們三姐妹從二十幾年前小妹定居美國後就聚少離多，偶而見面也是在重要或刻意安排出來的時間，沒想到這次是別開生面的在紙上相遇，為這一場難以預期的生別離留下印記……小妹說，寫下來是一種therapy，它可以轉移Tomato對化療的刺骨痛苦，也可以抒發我們心中的不捨與傷痛，更可以對三十幾年的或大或小心結解套，在這時後，還有什麼是不能讓它隨風而逝的哪……

Tomato上個月確診肺癌第四期，因小細胞肺癌來勢洶洶，小妹不管返國是多麼麻煩，一路過關斬將的回高雄，她住的防疫旅館離我家只有幾百公尺，我們還是只能用賴來連繫，雖說大家都已屆半百，但對於癌末這件事，全然陌生與畏懼，它像是一個黑洞，沒有未來，沒有一絲光亮！我們不想掉進去，但它已經大到可以吞噬我們……

記憶

Tomato對我而言是個小茶包，她從小愛哭又欠揍，因家裡做生意的關係，爸媽無暇照顧，她總是跟著我。上小學要跟我，運動會要跟我，害我成了同學的笑柄！小三時去游泳，她堅持要跟到深水區，差一點溺水，在深水區載浮載沉的被中學生救起。等國中已經長得比我高，力氣比我大，開始可以多扛一些貨物，我才有身為大姐的尊榮感，有時外出送貨時遇到色狼，還可以擺出柔道架勢嚇走不肖之徒，我才驚覺這個愛哭愛跟的妹妹已經長大，大到可以保護我……

Tomato感情豐沛，優柔寡斷，異性緣絕佳，這也是她不能專心讀書的敗筆。她從國小就收到情書，每交一個男朋友就會消耗一點什麼，記得有一次有人追求尚未成定局就抱了一臺麥飯石濾水器回來，真的莫名其妙，她的感情世界只有她自己懂，我總是很不以為然……還一個男朋友怕她變心就把她軟禁起來，也是我奮勇去救她出來，只差沒報警。她做過很多工作，個性活潑的她很容易交朋友，老闆交辦的事也都全力以赴，從高職畢業後在後火車站的長明街上班，是穿越大街小巷大家都喜歡的一朵花。她也曾遠赴大陸，率領幾個娘子軍在四川大賣場插旗，跟大陸仔鬥智鬥氣魄，賺了不少人民幣也著實留下幾個朋友。非科班出身但才華洋溢勇於突破，憑著一副好歌喉和機智的反應可以跑遍婚禮主持，以不年輕的資歷和經驗打敗鮮肉女角，秀約不斷。疫情影響轉戰歌唱老師，教社區大學熟齡和身障團體唱歌，還快閃火車站和公園，讓學員又驚又喜為之咋舌，十分奇葩……在生病後這些朋友學員送魚湯的，送奶粉的，健康食品的，供餐的絡繹不絕，顯示她的好人緣及真心付出，在這非常時期無非是種慰藉，與病魔和治療拼鬥的支持……

體悟

人生沒有時間表，沒有人可以按表操課，大小的難題總是一波一波……我曾在臨床加護病房工作八年，一直對人生的盡頭無所畏懼，最怕牽掛未了，最怕留下一個不能自主又苟延殘喘的軀殼，生老病死本是循環，遇到了，面對它，每個人的明天都是未知，在這個的殘酷不知道何時來的時候……

親愛的妹妹，讓我們好好在一起，不管妳在哪裡，在這個什麼都說不準的年代！



 

妹妹寫的序

Safety net

The moment I found out that my elder sister tomato was diagnosed with stage IV lung Cancer, I realized my safety net had broken. I left Taiwan for the US to study abroad at age 21. It has been almost thirty years since I have landed the land of the free. In the decades since I lived in Taiwan I was not present in some important events like my god-father’s funeral, my sibling’s weddings, my nephews’ births, parents’ birthdays but I have always regarded my family （including my husband Karl’s family） my safety net. I cannot fall through any crack because of the network of my people.

The first few days and nights after her diagnosis, I wept and sobbed. When I called her on the phone, I could not stop crying. She had to comfort me and told me “Don’t cry.” I occasionally still cry because the thought of losing my sister, but I try to honor every wish she has.

Passport

I realized that I had to see my sister and preparing to travel has been a challenge. A friend of mine introduced me a travel agent who is also from Taiwan. She was somewhat helpful but missed some important things, like that I would need an up to date Taiwanese passport to enter due to Covid19 restrictions. I realized my US passport was expiring in one month and later on realized my Taiwanese passport expired last year. If you have been in this situation you know what a stressful time it is. Making an appointment to a passport agency is quite an experience. I spoke to some people in line for passports, after finally getting an appointment, who had driven from adjacent states, staying in downtown Atlanta just to get an emergent passport. I am sure these in many ways are related to covid19. We stopped traveling and let our passport expired, few people come to work and we have to wait in a longer line, in my short summary.

Taiwanese passport was especially a nightmare. I literally got my passport the day before I was to travel. I have to applaud the Taipei Economic and Cultural office in Atlanta; they really take care of business. I am sure I was not special but that they told me to call after hours if I needed to. The peace of mind was priceless and I did eventually get on an airplane the next day after getting my Taiwanese passport renewed.

Omicron

I was so proud of Taiwan when covid19 first broke out and it had the lowest number of cases and deaths. The government was doing a marvelous job to keep the numbers down. It was everywhere on the news, CNN, MSNBC, NPR. After SARS, the government seems to have a handle on how to take COVID, and they have an amazing digital minister, Audrey Tang. I confess that I have not keep track of COVID closely like I used to since the vaccines are so available and the covid19 cases in the hospital I work at are down, and frankly just being tired of it all. Now Omicron is in Taiwan, the strain that is the most virulent. I am in my mandatory quarantine, day 2.

Quarantine

I am now sitting in a quarantine hotel, day number 2 out of 7, waiting to see my sister while trying to read drafts of her coming book which she is dedicating to people she loves. This is a mix of jet lag, sadness and anticipation.

My sister

Judo

I have 2 elder sisters. Tomato is my oldest sister. Whenever I describe her, a few words that come to mind are： talented, versatile, and melancholic. She has so many talents that make me feel we are the opposite, even in life and philosophy, but we are also much alike. As a child, she was always very protective of me, along with some pranks she played on me as an older sibling. The later part seems to be inevitable. We were in Judo class together, or I should say I joined her judo class after she is almost a black belt. I was twelve and that was the summer break. My father asked all his children to do some sort of martial arts; I was right behind tomato and my older brother for Judo. Joann, my oldest sister chose taekwondo. Tomato and I rode in a bicycle to the gym, it was a Sunday. I was part of the demonstration match with the judo master. He flipped me in the air when I tried to combat him. That was the last time I was called to step on the stage for demos. The subsequent times tomato told me to hide in the bathroom until the demo is finished. Needless to say, I could not have a career in martial art. I lasted 3 months in that judo class because that was how long the summer was. The other notable moments were when tomato repeatedly entered the tournaments and I was there to cheer her on. She was strong, fierce and resolute.

Singing

My sister tomato is an amazing singer since she was in her early 20’s, before she became a local celebrity. I remember she used to enter Jody Jiang’s singing contest because that is the style of singing she likes, popular Taiwanese songs. I went with her almost every time, to guard our seats, watch her purse and be her cheerleader. She has been amazing singer and she knows it. Singing did not become her career until when my nephews were old enough for her to divorce her husband; she had to be a stay at home mom. When she first started singing professionally, she had a wedding band where she thrives and shines. Later on when people stop believing in marriage, she did other functions likely employee annual appreciate parties before lunar New Year, to be a judge for singing contests and teaching hundreds of people in the classroom. She is such an amazing singer, and a humorous entertainer, as well as star-like MC.

Writing

I mentioned that early that I was reading drafts of tomato’s upcoming book. Since her diagnosis her students and friends sent her lots of love, advice and gifts, including money. As poetic as my sister is, it is not surprising to me that she wanted to write a book dedicated to people she love. This is not the first time she has started to write a book. She has been writing since she was a young adult, sometimes including drawings too. She had a few pieces published in the newspaper; one of them was about me and my Taiwanese ex-boyfriend. She won the writing contest one year for her story which was published in Crown magazine, a well-known publisher in Taiwan. I still have that book and that article. I definitely think she could have a career in writing if she pursued it, but I am thinking writing might make her melancholy more pronounced which she blames for her cigarette smoking.

I am sure I have not included all the talents tomato has, since I only been around her for 21 years, and I cannot think of anything she cannot do. As someone who has higher education and prestigious career, I am humbled by my sister. I probably would not have chosen education as my sole pursuit if I have her talents.



當我得知姐姐Tomato被診斷出肺癌IV期的那一刻，我意識到我的保護網已經被打破了。

自從21歲離開臺灣赴美留學，來到自由的土地已經快三十年了。不在臺灣生活的幾十年裡，我錯過了一些重要的活動，比如乾爹的葬禮、我哥的婚禮、侄子的出生、父母的生日。但不容否認，家人永遠是血濃於水的關係，即便是我出國了、結婚了，並不代表著關係層面的一增一減，不會因為遠嫁了夫家，而疏遠了娘家。我丈夫卡爾和他的家人，更是豐富了親屬關係這一環，他們是一體的，永遠存在於我的過去、現在和未來。我滿足在這個保護網，給我最大的精神支持與克難的力量。我想要它，非常需要。

所以，在她確診罹癌後的最初幾天和幾夜，我哭泣著抽泣著。當我打電話給她時，我忍不住哭了起來。她不得不安慰我並告訴我「不要哭」。

在告訴她一聲「二姐，妳一定要等我回來。」過後，我偶爾還會因為即將要失去姐姐而哭泣，而且，我也忍著悲傷，尊重她想要達成的每一個願望。

隔離（5/22—5/29）

我現在坐在隔離旅館裡，第七天中的第二天，一邊等著看我姐姐，一邊試圖閱讀她即將出版的書稿，她將把這本書獻給她所愛的人，字裡行間混合著複雜的感覺、時空、悲傷和期待。

我的二姐

柔道

我有兩個姐姐。Tomato是我的二姐。每當我描述她時，我腦海中浮現的幾個詞是：才華橫溢、多才多藝和憂鬱。我們在很多方面都不同，但在生活和哲學上，我們卻很相似。小時候，無可避免的姐妹間會作弄的小惡作劇之外，她總是非常保護我。我父親要求他所有的孩子都做某種武術，我的大姐Joanne選擇了跆拳道，而Tomato選擇了學習柔道。記得我十二歲那年的暑假，她幾乎是黑帶之後，先後帶領我哥和我加入了她的柔道課。

記得那是一個星期天，我和Tomato騎著自行車去訓練中心，參加柔道大師的示範比賽。當我被點名與大師切磋時，他將我翻轉到空中，把我嚇壞了。我無法如Tomato在場上那樣堅強、兇猛和果斷。從此以後，Tomato教我在教練演示那段時間，去躲在浴室裡。我們心知肚明，武術事業並不適合我，而我就這樣半躲半學的持續了暑假三個月。當我再次回到訓練中心的時刻，是Tomato多次參加比賽，我在那為她加油。

從二十歲出頭開始她就已經是我心目中一位了不起的歌手，那時，她還沒從事駐唱及表演行業。我記得她以前參加過江蕙盃的歌唱比賽，因為那是她喜歡的唱腔，和流行的臺灣歌曲。我幾乎每次都和她一起去，看守我們的座位，看管她的錢包，做她的啦啦隊長。她一直都知道，「唱歌」是她最大的優勢。但她在結婚之後，一直扮演者一個專職媽媽的角色，直到我的侄子長大，她覺得必須奔向自己的夢想，和丈夫離婚後，唱歌才成為她的職業。當她第一次開始專業唱歌時，她組織了一個結婚樂隊，並且在那裡茁壯、成長、閃耀著光芒。除了婚禮之外，她主持兼唱派對，擔任歌唱比賽的評委，並在教室裡教數百位學生唱歌。 她是一位了不起的歌手，一位幽默的藝人，也是一位明星般的主持人。

寫作

前面我有提到，我正在閱讀Tomato即將出版的書稿。文字中表明了，自從她確診以來，她的學生和朋友給了她很多愛、建議和禮物，包括金錢。我一向知道她富有詩意，所以她想寫一本書，獻給所有愛她，以及她所愛的人。她從小就開始寫作，所以這不是她的第一本書。除了寫寫稿，有時也包括繪畫。她在報紙的副刊上發表過幾篇文章；其中之一是關於我和我的臺灣前男友的故事；而且她在臺灣著名出版商《皇冠雜誌》上發表的故事入圍過一次寫作比賽。雖然時間已經久遠，但我至今還保留那本書和那篇文章。我百分百相信，她有足夠的實力能夠從事寫作事業，但我卻擔心寫作可能會讓她的憂鬱更加明顯，在抽絲剝繭的精神分層與布局之中，抽更多的菸。

我確信我沒有把Tomato的所有才能都完全寫出來，因為我在她身邊才二十一年，我只看到她的無所不能。我自豪自己是一個最高學歷、最高成就、最高收入的家庭成員，但面對她的天賦，卻是望塵莫及的。

小曼　譯